A Totally Random Post Made at 3:33 a.m. About a Spider

Spiders.

I hate them. Even the word makes me itch. I have always had a deep fear of the 8 legged monsters. No, I don't remember any particular childhood trauma. The fear has always been there. I just went out on my back porch for a smoke (Yes, I smoke. Yes, I know it's bad for me, but I like it. Sue me.) and sat down on the chair and saw it. No, not the spider itself. I saw that the last time I went outside. I kept my eye on it, too. A very, very close eye.

No, I saw one fine line of spiderweb leading from said spider's previous location to the arm of the chair in which I was sitting. I jumped up and of course, started to itch and shake, because what if, boys and girls, what if that spider was on the chair, and in the few seconds between my bum hitting the seat and my eyes registering that web, it crawled on me? Nope, fear is not the word. Mortal terror is the proper term.

I am terrified of spiders. Even a picture on the 'net will result in shivers (and so not the good kind) and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've had several people tell me how cool they are, and what wondrous, good things they do (Ha!), but I do not care. They are repulsive.

And that spider? The one with the audacity to spin a web on my porch? Well, I don't think it crawled on me, but I have to say, I think that was the fastest cigarette I've ever smoked, and the entire time I stood outside, I brushed myself off, checked my limbs (because what if it crawled on my bare skin?), shook my clothes, shook out my hair, and prepared a shriek, just in case he made an appearance. Never mind the grasshopper, the moths, the Japanese beetle, or the cicada also on my porch. They are quite okay in my book.

Now I am back inside, but I'm still itchy and please, please, please spider-free.